Deeper Still

by Stacee Goetzinger

I did better this year while at the beach on vacation! I didn’t get a bad sunburn! I was determined not to let this happen, and while I don’t care for the feeling of sunscreen…at all…the spray is invigorating! I just didn’t want the feeling anymore of lying in bed, covered in aloe, rolling over and being stuck to the sheets! Having red hair and green eyes my entire life has been fun and different, but the sun loves that combination, so I’ve got to continue to learn the balance between getting a healthy sun-kissed glow and not a ridiculous sunburn!

You know I love water, my friend. It teaches me so much about myself…about God.

On this most recent seaside trip, I was just beyond the first sandbar, in the shallow area hanging out in the refreshing ocean. The waves were breaking fast as the white caps dove into the sand. Even in the shallow water where I was standing, the waves were trying to knock me down and were doing a good job of it, until I swam out to deeper water, and I could jump into their sprays.

I’ve been missing God, so time away from home and schedules was perfect timing. My time with Him has been shrinking, and the impact has been showing in my lack of dedication to eating and in my fight against the sadness resulting from chemical imbalance, depression and life. When I even attempt to fight my thoughts and struggles with this different, post-treatment body, without God, it’s a huge fail.

Who I am to Christ is where the truth about me resides, but when I look in the mirror, failing to remember who I am to Him, and see a different body since gaining nutrition to live, I crumble. I don’t look like me or feel like me. But when I pick up God’s word, He re-acquaints me with who He is, and I get a bit closer to trusting that I’m okay in this new body. When I don’t eat, my mind becomes undernourished so quickly, and I can’t begin to remember and accept Truth.

Yes, I can choose where I stand and “hang out” in life. I can stand in the “shallow” area and get pretty beat up and pushed around by the “fast breaking” lies the enemy uses to knock me down. I tend to live there a lot and become okay with it and with the negative self-talk screaming I’m going to get bigger and bigger with each bite. Sadness can wash over me as I become convinced, in my depressed mind, that I’m not making a difference here on earth. But when I go out to the deeper water, it’s there that I can jump into the waves and enjoy God’s love, mercy and hope sweeping over me.

Sitting here in my office at home, all I have to do is close my eyes, and I can be back in the water, past those shallow waves breaking at my knees causing me to fall. If I stay with that mental image, walk out a bit deeper to where the waves are higher, it is there I find peace and rejuvenation. The water covers me from head to toe, and as I see a wave coming, I am prepared just as God’s word…God’s truth…God’s provision for my life and God’s healing cover me.  

Let’s not settle for hanging out where we cannot be deeper with Jesus. May I be the recipient of what he has for me…for us! He is our rescuer and present help in times of trouble. He has a plan for you and for me which anticipates that we spend time with Him, growing closer to him, relishing in the next wave of refreshment. And if you have been like me, letting yourself be beat up by the enemy, yet still not moving to where God would have you…move. He is not a shallow God who doesn’t get where you are in your walk with him or in your life. He knows our struggles and the things which seek to cripple us.

No matter what you have gone through or what you are currently struggling with, please don’t give up, but rather, make your “move” and check this out…  ”Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy one of Israel, your Savior…” (Isaiah 43.1-3).

The very One who commands the oceans and the waves is the One who created us to move to Him and go deeper still.
Love to you.

Author Bio
Stacee Goetzinger is passionate about sharing the hope, resilience and depths of God’s sustaining grace and love experienced throughout her ongoing recovery journey from chronic anorexia, depression and anxiety.  Stacee’s life verse communicates her story and purpose: “I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done” (Psalm 118:17). 

Stacee is the author of the book, You Are Worth Saving: Letters of Hope from a Desperate Heart, and is a frequent speaker for conferences, retreats, churches, and groups.   She and her husband, Doug, co-host the Speak Out Loud podcast which is sharing hope and encouragement for those who struggle with mental health and for those who love and support them. 

Learn more about Stacee and her ministry, Speak Out Loud, at www.speakoutloud.me.